An Extraordinary Incident
A true story of how a gentleman of a certain age and of respectable
appearance was swallowed alive by the crocodile in the Arcade, and of the
consequences that followed.
Ohe Lambert! Ou est Lambert?
As-tu vu Lambert?
by Fyodor Dostoevsky
Translated by Constance Garnett
ON the thirteenth of January of this present year, 1865, at half-
past twelve in the day, Elena Ivanovna, the wife of my cultured
friend Ivan Matveitch, who is a colleague in the same depart-
ment, and may be said to be a distant relation of mine, too,
expressed the desire to see the crocodile now on view at a fixed
charge in the Arcade. As Ivan Matveitch had already in his
pocket his ticket for a tour abroad (not so much for the sake
of his health as for the improvement of his mind), and was
consequently free from his official duties and had nothing
whatever to do that morning, he offered no objection to his
wife's irresistible fancy, but was positively aflame with curiosity
"A capital idea!" he said, with the utmost satisfaction.
"We'll have a look at the crocodile! On the eve of visiting
Europe it is as well to acquaint ourselves on the spot with its
indigenous inhabitants." And with these words, taking his
wife's arm, he set off with her at once for the Arcade. I joined
them, as I usually do, being an intimate friend of the family.
I have never seen Ivan Matveitch in a more agreeable frame
of mind than he was on that memorable morning-how true it
is that we know not beforehand the fate that awaits us! On
entering the Arcade he was at once full of admiration for the
splendours of the building and, when we reached the shop in
which the monster lately arrived in Petersburg was being
exhibited, he volunteered to pay the quarter-rouble for me to
the crocodile owner - a thing which had never happened
before. Walking into a little room, we observed that besides
the crocodile there were in it parrots of the species known as
cockatoo, and also a group of monkeys in a special case in a
recess. Near the entrance, along the left wall stood a big tin
tank that looked like a bath covered with a thin iron grating,
filled with water to the depth of two inches. In this shallow
pool was kept a huge crocodile, which lay like a log absolutely
motionless and apparently deprived of all its faculties by our
damp climate, so inhospitable to foreign visitors. This monster
at first aroused no special interest in any one of us.
"So this is the crocodile!" said Elena Ivanovna, with a
pathetic cadence of regret. "Why, I thought it was ... some-
Most probably she thought it was made of diamonds. The
owner of the crocodile, a German, came out and looked at us
with an air of extraordinary pride.
"He has a right to be," Ivan Matveitch whispered to me, "he
knows he is the only man in Russia exhibiting a crocodile."
This quite nonsensical observation I ascribe also to the
extremely good-humoured mood which had overtaken Ivan
Matveitch, who was on other occasions of rather envious dis-
"I fancy your crocodile is not alive," said Elena Ivanovna,
piqued by the irresponsive stolidity of the proprietor, and
addressing him with a charming smile in order to soften his
churlishness - a manoeuvre so typically feminine.
"Oh, no, madam," the latter replied in broken Russian; and
instantly moving the grating half off the tank, he poked the
monster's head with a stick.
Then the treacherous monster, to show that it was alive,
faintly stirred its paws and tail, raised its snout and emitted
something like a prolonged snuffle.
"Come, don't be cross, Karlchen," said the German caress-
ingly, gratified in his vanity.
"How horrid that crocodile is! I am really frightened,"
Elena Ivanovna twittered, still more coquettishly. "I know I
shall dream of him now."
"But he won't bite you if you do dream of him," the German
retorted gallantly, and was the first to laugh at his own jest, but
none of us responded.
"Come, Semyon Semyonitch," said Elena Ivanovna, address-
ing me exclusively, "let us go and look at the monkeys. I am
awfully fond of monkeys; they are such darlings . . . and the
crocodile is horrid."
"Oh, don't be afraid, my dear!" Ivan Matveitch called after
us, gallantly displaying his manly courage to his wife. "This
drowsy denison of the realms of the Pharaohs will do us no
harm." And he remained by the tank. What is more, he took
his glove and began tickling the crocodile's nose with it, wish-
ing, as he said afterwards, to induce him to snort. The pro-
prietor showed his politeness to a lady by following Elena
Ivanovna to the case of monkeys.
So everything was going well, and nothing could have been
foreseen. Elena Ivanovna was quite skittish in her raptures
over the monkeys, and seemed completely taken up with them.
With shrieks of delight she was continually turning to me, as
though determined not to notice the proprietor, and kept gush-
ing with laughter at the resemblance she detected between these
monkeys and her intimate friends and acquaintances. I, too,
was amused, for the resemblance was unmistakable. The
German did not know whether to laugh or not, and so at last
was reduced to frowning. And it was at that moment that a
terrible, I may say unnatural, scream set the room vibrating.
Not knowing what to think, for the first moment I stood still,
numb with horror, but, noticing that Elena Ivanovna was
screaming too, I quickly turned round - and what did I behold!
I saw - oh, heavens! - I saw the luckless Ivan Matveitch in the
terrible jaws of the crocodile, held by them round the waist,
lifted horizontally in the air and desperately kicking. Then -
one moment, and no trace remained of him. But I must
describe it in detail, for I stood all the while motionless, and
had time to watch the whole process taking place before me
with an attention and interest such as I never remember to
have felt before. "What," I thought at that critical moment,
"what if all that had happened to me instead of to Ivan
Matveitch - how unpleasant it would have been for me!"
But to return to my story. The crocodile began by turning
the unhappy Ivan Matveitch in his terrible jaws so that he
could swallow his legs first; then bringing up Ivan Matveitch,
who kept trying to jump out and clutching at the sides of the
tank, sucked him down again as far as his waist. Then bringing
him up again, gulped him down, and so again and again. In
this way Ivan Matveitch was visibly disappearing before our
eyes. At last, with a final gulp, the crocodile swallowed my
cultured friend entirely, this time leaving no trace of him. From
the outside of the crocodile we could see the protuberances of
Ivan Matveitch's figure as he passed down the inside of the
monster. I was on the point of screaming again when destiny
played another treacherous trick upon us. The crocodile made
a tremendous effort, probably oppressed by the magnitude of
the object he had swallowed, once more opened his terrible
jaws, and with a final hiccup he suddenly let the head of Ivan
Matveitch pop out for a second, with an expression of despair
on his face. In that brief instant the spectacles dropped off his
nose to the bottom of the tank. It seemed as though that
despairing countenance had only popped out to cast one last
look on the objects around it, to take its last farewell of all
earthly pleasures. But it had not time to carry out its intention;
the crocodile made another efrort, gave a gulp and instantly it
vanished again - this time for ever. This appearance and dis-
appearance of a still living human head was so horrible, but all
the same - either from its rapidity and unexpectedness or from
the dropping of the spectacles - there was something so comic
about it that I suddenly quite unexpectedly exploded with
laughter. But pulling myself together and realising that to
laugh at such a moment was not the thing for an old family
friend, I turned at once to Elena Ivanovna and said with a
"Now it's all over with our friend Ivan Matveitch!"
I cannot even attempt to describe how violent was the
agitation of Elena Ivanovna during the whole process. After
the first scream she seemed rooted to the spot, and stared at the
catastrophe with apparent indifference, though her eyes looked
as though they were starting out of her head; thcn she suddenly
went off into a heart-rending wail, but I seized her hands. At
this instant the proprietor, too, who had at first been also
petrified by horror, suddenly elapsed his hands and cried,
"Oh, my crocodile! Oh, mein allerliebster Karlchen! Mutter,
A door at the rear of the room opened at this cry, and the
Mutter, a rosy-cheeked, elderly but dishevelled woman in a
cap made her appearance, and rushed with a shriek to her
A perfect Bedlam followed. Elena Ivanovna kept shrieking
out the same phrase, as though in a frenzy, "Flay him! flay
him!" apparently entreating them - probably in a moment of
oblivion - to flay somebody for something. The proprietor and
Mutter took no notice whatever of either of us; they were both
bellowing like calves over the crocodile.
"He did for himself! He will burst himself at once, for he
did swallow a ganz official!" cried the proprietor.
"Unser Karlchen, unser allerliebster Karlchen wird sterben,"
howled his wife.
"We are bereaved and without bread!" chimed in the pro-
"Flay him! flay him! flay him!" clamoured Elena Ivanovna,
clutching at the German's coat.
"He did tease the crocodile. For what did your man tease
the crocodile?" cried the German, pulling away from her.
"You will, if Karlchen wird burst, therefore pay, das war mein
Sohn, das war mein einziger Sohn."
I must own I was intensely indignant at the sight of such
egoism in the German and the cold-heartedness of his dis-
hevelled Mutter; at the same time Elena Ivanovna's reiterated
shriek of "Flay him! flay him!" troubled me even more and
absorbed at last my whole attention, positively alarming me. I
may as well say straight of that I entirely misunderstood this
strange exclamation: it seemed to me that Elena Ivanovna had
for the moment taken leave of her senses, but nevertheless
wishing to avenge the loss of her beloved Ivan Matveitch, was
demanding by way of compensation that the crocodile should
be severely thrashed, while she was meaning something quite
different. Looking round at the door, not without embrarass-
ment, I began to entreat Elena Ivanovna to calm herself, and
above all not to use the shocking word 'flay'. For such a
reactionary desire here, in the midst of the Arcade and of the
most cultured society, not two paces from the hall where at
this very minute Mr. Lavrov was perhaps delivering a public
lecture, was not only impossible but unthinkable, and might
at any moment bring upon us the hisses of culture and the
caricatures of Mr. Stepanov. To my horror I was immediately
proved to be correct in my alarmed suspicions: the curtain that
divided the crocodile room from the little entry where the
quarter-roubles were taken suddenly parted, and in the open-
ing there appeared a figure with moustaches and beard, carryin
a cap, with the upper part of its body bent a long way forward,
though the feet were scrupulously held beyond the threshold
of the crocodile room in order to avoid the necessity of paying
the entrance money.
"Such a reactionary desire, madam," said the stranger, trying
to avoid falling over in our direction and to remain standing
outside the room, "does no credit to your development, and is
conditioned by lack of phosphorus in your brain. You will be
promptly held up to shame in the Chronicle of Progress and in
our satirical prints . . ."
But he could not complete his remarks; the proprietor
coming to himself, and seeing with horror that a man was
talking in the crocodile room without having paid entrance
money, rushed furiously at the progressive stranger and turned
him out with a punch from each fist. For a moment both
vanished from our sight behind a curtain, and only then I
grasped that the whole uproar was about nothing. Elena
Ivanovna turned out quite innocent; she had, as I have
mentioned already, no idea whatever of subjecting the crocodile
to a degrading corporal punishment, and had simply expressed
the desire that he should be opened and her husband released
from his interior.
"What! You wish that my crocodile be perished!" the
proprietor yelled, running in again. "No! let your hus-
band be perished first, before my crocodile! . . . Mein
Vater showed crocodile, mein Grossvater showed crocodile,
mein Sohn will show crocodile, and I will show crocodile!
All will show crocodile! I am known to ganz Europa, and
you are not known to ganz Europa, and you must pay me a
"Ja, ja," put in the vindictive German woman, "we shall not
let you go, Strafe, since Karlchen is burst!"
"And, indeed, it's useless to flay the creature," I added
calmly, anxious to get Elena Ivanovna away home as quickly
as possible, "as our dear Ivan Matveitch is by now probably
soaring somewhere in the empyrean."
"My dear" - we suddenly heard, to our intense amazement,
the voice of Ivan Matveitch - "my dear, my advice is to apply
direct to the superintendent's office, as without the assistance
of the police the German will never be made to see reason."
These words, uttered with firmness and aplomb, and express-
ing an exceptional presence of mind, for the first minute so
astounded us that we could not believe our ears. But, of course,
we ran at once to the crocodile's tank, and with equal reverence
and incredulity listened to the unhappy captive. His voice was
muffled, thin and even squeaky, as though it came from a con-
siderable distance. It reminded one of a jocose person who,
covering his mouth with a pillow, shouts from an adjoining
room, trying to mimic the sound of two peasants calling to one
another in a deserted plain or across a wide ravine - a per-
formance to which I once had the pleasure of listening in a
friend's house at Christmas.
"lvan Matveitch, my dear, and so you are alive!" faltered
"Alive and well," answered Ivan Matveitch, "and, thanks to
the Almighty, swallowed without any damage whatever. I am
only uneasy as to the view my superiors may take of the
incident; for after getting a permit to go abroad I've got into a
crocodile, which seems anything but clever."
"But, my dear, don't trouble your head about being clever;
first of all we must somehow excavate you from where you
are," Elena Ivanovna interrupted.
"Excavate!" cried the proprietor. "I will not let my crocodile
be excavated. Now the Publicum will come many more, and I
will funfzig kopecks ask and Karlchen will cease to burst."
"Gott sei Dank!" put in his wife.
"They are right," Ivan Matveitch observed tranquilly; "the
principles of economics before everything."
"My dear! I will fly at once to the authorities and lodge a
complaint, for I feel that we cannot settle this mess by our-
"I think so too." observed Ivan Matveitch; "but in our age
of industrial crisis it is not easy to rip open the belly of a
crocodile without economic compensation, and meanwhile the
inevitable question presents itself: What will the German take
for his crocodile? And with it another: How will it be paid?
For, as you know, I have no means . . ."
"Perhaps out of your salary . . ." I observed timidly, but the
proprietor interrupted me at once.
"I will not the crocodile sell; I will for three thousand the
crocodile sell! I will for four thousand the crocodile sell! Now
the Publicum will come very many. I will for five thousand the
In fact he gave himself insufferable airs. Covetousness and a
revolting greed gleamed joyfully in his eyes.
"I am going!" I cried indignantly.
"And I! I too! I shall go to Andrey Osipitch himself. I
will soften him with my tears," whined Elena Ivanovna.
"Don't do that, my dear," Ivan Matveitch hastened to
interpose. He had long been jealous of Andrey Osipitch on his
wife's account, and he knew she would enjoy going to weep
before a gentleman of refinement, for tears suited her. "And
I don't advise you to do so either, my friend," he added,
addressing me. "It's no good plunging headlong in that slap-
dash way; there's no knowing what it may lead to. You had
much better go to-day to Timofey Semyonitch, as though to
pay an ordinary visit; he is an old-fashioned and by no means
brilliant man, but he is trustworthy, and what matters most of
all, he is straightforward. Give him my greetings and describe
the circumstances of the case. And since I owe him seven
roubles over our last game of cards, take the opportunity to
pay him the money; that will soften the stern old man. In any
case his advice may serve as a guide for us. And meanwhile
take Elena Ivanovna home.... Calm yourself, my dear," he
continued, addressing her. "I am weary of these outcries and
feminine squabblings, and should like a nap. It's soft and
warm in here, though I have hardly had time to look round in
this unexpected haven."
"Look round! Why, is it light in there?" cried Elena
Ivanovna in a tone of relief.
"I am surrounded by impenetrable night," answered the poor
captive, "but I can feel and, so to speak, have a look round
with my hands.... Good-bye; set your mind at rest and don't
deny yourself recreation and diversion. Till to-morrow! And
you, Semyon Semyonitch, come to me in the evening, and as
you are absent-minded and may forget it, tie a knot in your
I confess I was glad to get away, for I was overtired and
somewhat bored. Hastening to offer my arm to the discon-
solate Elena Ivanovna, whose charms were only enhanced by
her agitation, I hurriedly led her out of the crocodile room.
"The charge will be another quarter-rouble in the evening,"
the proprietor called after us.
"Oh, dear, how greedy they are!" said Elena Ivanovna,
looking at herself in every mirror on the walls of the Arcade,
and evidently aware that she was looking prettier than usual.
"The principles of economics," I answered with some
emotion, proud that passers-by should see the lady on my
"The principles of economics," she drawled in a touching
little voice. "I did not in the least understand what Ivan
Matveitch said about those horrid economics just now."
"I will explain to you," I answered, and began at once telling
her of the beneficial effects of the introduction of foreign
capital into our country, upon which I had read an article in
the Petersburg News and the Voice that morning.
"How strange it is," she interrupted, after listening for some
time. "But do leave off, you horrid man. What nonsense you
are talking.... Tell me, do I look purple?"
"You look perfect, and not purple!" I observed, seizing the
opportunity to pay her a compliment.
"Naughty man!" she said complacently. "Poor Ivan Mat-
veitch," she added a minute later, putting her little head on one
side coquettiswy. "I am really sorry for him. Oh, dear!" she
cried suddenly, "how is he going to have his dinner . . . and
... and ... what will he do ... if he wants anything?"
"An unforeseen question," I answered, perplexed in my
turn. To tell the truth, it had not entered my head, so much
more practical are women than we men in the solution of the
problems of daily life!
"Poor dear! how could he have got into such a mess . . .
nothing to amuse him, and in the dark How vexing it is
that I have no photograph of him. And so now I am a
sort of widow," she added, with a seductive smile, evidently
interested in her new position. "Hm! ... I am sorry for him,
It was, in short, the expression of the very natural and in-
telligible grief of a young and interesting wife for the loss of
her husband. I took her home at last, soothed her, and after
dining with her and drinking a cup of aromatic coffee, set off
at six o'clock to Timofey Semyonitch, calculating that at that
hour all married people of settled habits would be sitting or
lying down at home.
Having written this first chapter in a style appropriate to
the incident recorded, I intended to proceed in a language more
natural though less elevated, and I beg to forewarn the reader
of the fact.
THE venerable Timofey Semyonitch met me rather nervously,
as though somewhat embarrassed. He led me to his tiny study
and shut the door carefully, "that the children may not hinder
us," he added with evident uneasiness. There he made me sit
down on a chair by the writing-table, sat down himself in an
easy chair, wrapped round him the skirts of his old wadded
dressing-gown, and assumed an official and even severe air, in
readiness for anything, though he was not my chief nor Ivan
Matveitch's, and had hitherto been reckoned as a colleague and
even a friend.
"First of all," he said, "take note that I am not a person in
authority, but just such a subordinate official as you and Ivan
Matveitch.... I have nothing to do with it, and do not intend
to mix myself up in the affair."
I was surprised to find that he apparently knew all about it
already. In spite of that I told him the whole story over in
detail. I spoke with positive excitement, for I was at that
moment fulfilling the obligations of a true friend. He listened
without special surprise, but with evident signs of suspicion.
"Only fancy," he said, "I always believed that this would be
sure to happen to him."
"Why, Timofey Semyonitch? It is a very unusual incident
in itself . . ."
"I admit it. But Ivan Matveitch's whole career in the service
was leading up to this end. He was flighty-conceited indeed.
It was always 'progress' and ideas of all sorts, and this is what
progress brings people to!"
"But this is a most unusual incident and cannot possibly
serve as a general rule for all progressives."
"Yes, indeed it can. You see, it's the effect of over-education,
I assure you. For over-education leads people to poke their
noses into all sorts of places, especially where they are not
invited. Though perhaps you know best," he added, as though
offended. "I am an old man and not of much education. I
began as a soldier's son, and this year has been the jubilee of
"Oh, no, Timofey Semyonitch, not at all. On the contrary,
Ivan Matveitch is eager for your advice; he is eager for your
guidance. He implores it, so to say, with tears."
"So to say, with tears! Hm! Those are crocodile's tears and
one cannot quite believe in them. Tell me, what possessed
him to want to go abroad? And how could he afford to go?
Why, he has no private means!"
"He had saved the money from his last bonus," I answered
plaintively. "He only wanted to go for three months - to
Switzerland . . . to the land of William Tell."
"William Tell? Hm!"
"He wanted to meet the spring at Naples, to see the museums,
the customs, the animals . . ."
"Hm! The animals! I think it was simply from pride. What
animals? Animals, indeed! Haven't we animals enough? We
have museums, menageries, camels. There are bears quite close
to petersburg! And here he's got inside a crocodile himself..."
"Oh, come, Timofey Semyonitch! The man is in trouble,
the man appeals to you as to a friend, as to an older relation,
craves for advice - and you reproach him. Have pity at least
on the unfortunate Elena Ivanovna!"
"You are speaking of his wife? A charming little lady,"
said Timofey Semyonitch, visibly softening and taking a pinch
of snuff with relish. "Particularly prepossessing. And so
plump, and always putting her pretty little head on one side.
... Very agreeable. Andrey Osipitch was speaking of her only
the other day."
"Speaking of her?"
"Yes, and in very flattering terms. Such a bust, he said, such
eyes, such hair . . . .A sugar-plum, he said, not a lady - and
then he laughed. He is still a young man, of course," Timofey
Semyonitch blew his nose with a loud noise. "And yet, young
though he is, what a career he is making for himself."
"That's quite a different thing, Timofey Semyonitch."
"Of course, of course."
"Well, what do You say then, Timofey Semyonitch?"
"Why, what can I do?"
"Give advice, guidance, as a man of experience, a relative!
What are we to do? What steps are we to take? Go to the
authorities and ... "
"To the authorities? Certainly not." Timofey Semyonitch
replied hurriedly. "If you ask my advice, you had better,
above all, hush the matter up and act, so to speak, as a private
person. It is a suspicious incident, quite unheard of. Unheard
of, above all; there is no precedent for it, and it is far from
creditable. . . . And so discretion above all. . . . Let him lie
there a bit. We must wait and see .... "
"But how can we wait and see, Timofey Semyonitch? What
if he is stifled there?"
"Why should he be? I think you told me that he made him-
self fairly comfortable there?"
I told him the whole story over again. Timofey Semyonitch
"Hm!" he said, twisting his snuff-box in his hands. "To my
mind it's really a good thing he should lie there a bit, instead
of going abroad. Let him reflect at his leisure. Of course he
mustn't be stifled, and so he must take measures to preserve his
health, avoiding a cough, for instance, and so on.... And as
for the German, it's my personal opinion he is within his rights,
and even more so than the other side, because it was the other
party who got into his crocodile without asking permission,
and not he who got into Ivan Matveitch's crocodile without
asking permission, though, so far as I recollect, the latter has
no crocodile. And a crocodile is private property, and so it is
impossible to slit him open without compensation."
"For the saving of human life, Timofey Semyonitch."
"Oh, well, that's a matter for the police. You must go to
"But Ivan Matveitch may be needed in the department. He
may be asked for."
"Ivan Matveitch needed? Ha-ha! Besides, he is on leave,
so that we may ignore him - let him inspect the countries of
Europe! It will be a different matter if he doesn't turn up
when his leave is over. Then we shall ask for him and make
"Three months! Timofey Semyonitch, for pity's sake!"
"It's his own fault. Nobody thrust him there. At this rate
we should have to get a nurse to look after him at government
expense, and that is not allowed for in the regulations. But
the chief point is that the crocodile is private property, so that
the principles of economics apply in this question. And the
principles of economics are paramount. Only the other even-
ing, at Luke Andreitch's, Ignaty Prokofyitch was saying so.
Do you know Ignaty Prokofyitch? A capitalist, in a big way
of business, and he speaks so fluently. 'We need industrial
development,' he said; 'there is very little development among
us. We must create it. We must create capital, so we must
create a middle-class, the so-called bourgeoisie. And as we
haven't capital we must attract it from abroad. We must, in
the first place, give facilities to foreign companies to buy up
lands in Russia as is done now abroad. The communal holding
of land is poison, is ruin.' And, you know, he spoke with such
heat; well, that's all right for him - a wealthy man, and not in
the service. 'With the communal system,' he said, 'there will
be no improvement in industrial development or agriculture.
Foreign companies,' he said, 'must as far as possible buy up
the whole of our land in big lots, and then split it up, split it
up, split it up, in the smallest parts possible' - and do you know
he pronounced the words 'split it up' with such determination
- 'and then sell it as private property. Or rather, not sell it,
but simply let it. When,' he said, 'all the land is in the hands
of foreign companies they can fix any rent they like. And so
the peasant will work three times as much for his daily bread
and he can be turned out at pleasure. So that he will feel it,
will be submissive and industrious, and will work three times
as much for the same wages. But as it is, with the commune,
what does he care? He knows he won't die of hunger, so he is
lazy and drunken. And meanwhile money will be attracted
into Russia, capital will be created and the bourgeoisie will
spring up. The English political and literary paper, The Times,
in an article the other day on our finances stated that the
reason our financial position was so unsatisfactory was that
we had no middle-class, no big fortunes, no accommodating
proletariat.' Ignaty Prokofyitch speaks well. He is an orator.
He wants to lay a report on the subject before the authorities,
and then to get it published in the News. That's something
very different from verses like Ivan Matveitch's . . ."
"But how about Ivan Matveitch?" I put in, after letting the
old man babble on.
Timofey Semyonitch was sometimes fond of talking and
showing that he was not behind the times, but knew all about
"How about Ivan Matveitch? Why, I am coming to that.
Here we are, anxious to bring foreign capital into the country
- and only consider: as soon as the capital of a foreigner, who
has been attracted to Petersburg, has been doubled through
Ivan Matvcitch, instead of protecting the foreign capitalist, we
are proposing to rip open the belly of his original capital - the
crocodile. Is it consistent? To my mind, Ivan Matveitch, as
the true son of his fatherland, ought to rejoice and to be proud
that through him the value of a foreign crocodile has been
doubled and possibly even trebled. That's just what is wanted
to attract capital. If one man succeeds, mind you, another will
come with a crocodile, and a third will bring two or three of
them at once, and capital will grow up about them - there you
have a bourgeoisie. It must be encouraged."
"Upon my word, Timofey Semyonitch!" I cried, "you are
demanding almost supernatural self-sacrifice from poor Ivan
"I demand nothing, and I beg you, before everything - as I
have said already - to remember that I am not a person in
authority and so cannot demand anything of anyone. I am
speaking as a son of the fatherland, that is, not as the Son of
the Fatherland, but as a son of the fatherland. Again, what
possessed him to get into the crocodile? A respectable man, a
man of good grade in the service, lawfully married - and then
to behave like that! Is it consistent?"
"But it was an accident."
"Who knows? And where is the money to compensate the
owner to come from?"
"Perhaps out of his salary, Timofey Semyonitch?"
"Would that be enough?"
"No, it wouldn't, Timofey Semyonitch," I answered sadly.
"The proprietor was at first alarmed that the crocodile would
burst, but as soon as he was sure that it was all right, he began
to bluster and was delighted to think that he could double the
charge for entry."
"Treble and quadruple perhaps! The public will simply
stampede the place now, and crocodile owners are smart
people. Besides, it's not Lent yet, and people are keen on
diversions, and so I say again, the great thing is that Ivan
Matveitch should preserve his incognito, don't let him be in a
hurry. Let everybody know, perhaps, that he is in the crocodile,
but don't let them be officially informed of it. Ivan Matveitch
is in particularly favourable circumstances for that, for he is
reckoned to be abroad. It will be said he is in the crocodile,
and we will refuse to believe it. That is how it can be managed.
The great thing is that he should wait; and why should he be
in a hurry?"
"Well, but if ..."
"Don't worry, he has a good constitution."
"Well, and afterwards, when he has waited?"
"Well, I won't conceal from you that the case is exceptional
in the highest degree. One doesn't know what to think of it,
and the worst of it is there is no precedent. If we had a
precedent we might have something to go by. But as it is,
what is one to say? It will certainly take time to settle it."
A happy thought flashed upon my mind.
"Cannot we arrange," I said, "that, if he is destined to
remain in the entrails of the monster and it is the will of
Providence that he should remain alive, he should send in a
petition to be reckoned as still serving?"
"Hm! ... Possibly as on leave and without salary ...
"But couldn't it be with salary?"
"On what grounds?"
"As sent on a special commission."
"What commission and where?"
"Why, into the entrails, the entrails of the crocodile. . . .
So to speak, for exploration, for investigation of the facts on
the spot. It would, of course, be a novelty, but that is pro-
gressive and would at the same time show zeal for enlighten-
Timofey Semyonitch thought a little.
"To send a special official," he said at last, "to the inside of
a crocodile to conduct a special inquiry is, in my personal
opinion, an absurdity. It is not in the regulations. And what
sort of special inquiry could there be there?"
"The scientific study of nature on the spot, in the living
subject. The natural sciences are all the fashion nowadays,
botany. . . . He could live there and report his observations.
... For instance, concerning digestion or simply habits. For
the sake of accumulating facts."
"You mean as statistics. Well, I am no great authority on
that subject, indeed I am no philosopher at all. You say
'facts'-we are overwhelmed with facts as it is, and don't know
what to do with them. Besides, statistics are a danger."
"In what way?"
"They are a danger. Moreover, you will admit he will report
facts, so to speak, lying like a log. And, can one do one's
official duties lying like a log? That would be another novelty
and a dangerous one; and again, there is no precedent for it.
If we had any sort of precedent for it, then, to my thinking, he
might have been given the job."
"But no live crocodiles have been brought over hitherto,
"Hm ... yes," he reflected again. "Your objection is a just
one, if you like, and might indeed serve as a ground for carry-
ing the matter further; but consider again, that if with the
arrival of living crocodiles government clerks begin to dis-
appear, and then on the ground that they are warm and com-
fortable there, expect to receive the official sanction for their
position, and then take their ease there ... you must admit it
would be a bad example. We should have everyone trying to
go the same way to get a salary for nothing."
"Do your best for him, Timofey Semyonitch. By the way,
Ivan Matveitch asked me to give you seven roubles he had lost
to you at cards."
"Ah, he lost that the other day at Nikifor Nikiforitch's. I
remember. And how gay and amusing he was - and now!"
The old man was genuinely touched.
"Intercede for him, Timofey Semyonitch!"
"I will do my best. I will speak in my own name, as a
private person, as though I were asking for information. And
meanwhile, you find out indirectly, unofficially, how much
would the proprietor consent to take for his crocodile?"
Timofey Semyonitch was visibly more friendly.
"Certainly," I answered. "And I will come back to you at
once to report."
"And his wife . . . is she alone now? Is she depressed?"
"You should call on her, Timofey Semyonitch."
"I will. I thought of doing so before; it's a good oppor-
tunity.... And what on earth possessed him to go and look
at the crocodile. Though, indeed, I should like to see it myself."
"Go and see the poor fellow, Timofey Semyonitch."
"I will. Of course, I don't want to raise his hopes by doing
so. I shall go as a private person.... Well, good-bye, I am
going to Nikifor Nikiforitch's again; shall you be there?"
"No, I am going to see the poor prisoner."
"Yes, now he is a prisoner! ... Ah, that's what comes of
I said good-bye to the old man. Ideas of all kinds were
straying through my mind. A good-natured and most honest
man, Timofey Semyonitch, yet, as I left him, I felt pleased at
the thought that he had celebrated his fiftieth year of service,
and that Timofey Semyonitchs are now a rarity among us. I
flew at once, of course, to the Arcade to tell poor Ivan Matveitch
all the news. And, indeed, I was moved by curiosity to know
how he was getting on in the crocodile and how it was possible
to live in a crocodile. And, indeed, was it possible to live in a
crocodile at all? At times it really seemed to me as though it
were all an outlandish, monstrous dream, especially as an out-
landish monster was the chief figure in it.
AND yet it was not a dream, but actual, indubitable fact.
Should I be telling the story if it were not? But to continue.
It was late, about nine o'clock, before I reached the Arcade,
and I had to go into the crocodile room by the back entrance,
for the German had closed the shop earlier than usual that
evening. Now in the seclusion of domesticity he was walking
about in a greasy old frock-coat, but he seemed three times as
pleased as he had been in the morning. It was evidently that
he had no apprehensions now, and that the public had been
coming "many more". The Mutter came out later, evidently
to keep an eye on me. The German and the Mutter frequently
whispered together. Although the shop was closed he charged
me a quarter-rouble. What unnecessary exactitude!
"You will every time pay; the public will one rouble, and
you one quarter pay; for you are the good friend of your good
friend; and I a friend respect . . ."
"Are you alive, are you alive, my cultured friend?" I cried,
as I approached the crocodile, expecting my words to reach
Ivan Matveitch from a distance and to flatter his vanity.
"Alive and well," he answered, as though from a long way
off or from under the bed, though I was standing close beside
him. "Alive and well; but of that later. . . . How are things
As though purposely not hearing the question, I was just
beginning with sympathetic haste to question him how he was,
what it was like in the crocodile, and what, in fact, there was
inside a crocodile. Both friendship and common civility
demanded this. But with capricious annoyance he interrupted
"How are things going?" he shouted, in a shrill and on this
occasion particularly revolting voice, addressing me per-
emptorilly as usual.
I described to him my whole conversation with Timofey
Semyonitch down to the smallest detail. As I told my story I
tried to show my resentment in my voice.
"The old man is right," Ivan Matveitch pronounced as
abruptly as usual in his conversation with me. "I like practical
people, and can't endure sentimental milk-sops. I am ready to
admit, however, that your idea about a special commission is
not altogether absurd. I certainly have a great deal to report,
both from a scientific and from an ethical point of view. But
now all this has taken a new and unexpected aspect, and it is
not worth while to trouble about mere salary. Listen atten-
tively. Are you sitting down?"
"No, I am standing up."
"Sit down on the floor if there is nothing else, and listen
Resentfully I took a chair and put it down on the floor with
a bang, in my anger.
"Listen," he began dictatorially. "The public came to-day
in masses. There was no room left in the evening, and the police
came in to keep order. At eight o'clock, that is, earlier than
usual, the proprietor thought it necessary to close the shop and
end the exhibition to count the money he had taken and
prepare for to-morrow more conveniently. So I know there
will be a regular fair to-morrow. So we may assume that all
the most cultivated people in the capital, the ladies of the best
society, the foreign ambassadors, the leading lawyers and so on,
will all be present. What's more, people will be flowing here
from the remotest provinces of our vast and interesting empire.
The upshot of it is that I am the cynosure of all eyes, and
though hidden to sight, I am eminent. I shall teach the idle
crowd. Taught by experience, I shall be an example of great-
ness and resignation to fate! I shall be, so to say, a pulpit from
which to instruct mankind. The mere biological details I can
furnish about the monster I am inhabiting are of priceless
value. And so, far from repining at what has happened, I
confidently hope for the most brilliant of careers."
"You won't find it wearisome?" I asked sarcastically.
What irritated me more than anything was the extreme
pomposity of his language. Nevertheless, it all rather discon-
certed me. "What on earth, what, can this frivolous block-
head find to be so cocky about?" I muttered to myself. "He
ought to be crying instead of being cocky."
"No!" he answered my observation sharply, "for I am full of
great ideas, only now can I at leisure ponder over the ameliora-
tion of the lot of humanity. Truth and light will come forth
now from the crocodile. I shall certainly develop a new
economic theory of my own and I shall be proud of it - which
I have hitherto been prevented from doing by my official duties
and by trivial distractions. I shall refute everything and be a
new Fourier. By the way, did you give Timofey Semyonitch
the seven roubles?"
"Yes, out of my own pocket," I answered, trying to em-
phasise that fact in my voice.
"We will settle it," he answered superciliously. "I con-
fidently expect my salary to be raised, for who should get a rise
if not I? I am of the utmost service now. But to business, My
"You are, I suppose, inquiring after Elena Ivanovna?"
"My wife?" he shouted, this time in a positive squeal.
There was no help for it! Meekly, though gnashing my
teeth, I told him how I had left Elena Ivanovna. He did not
even hear me out.
"I have special plans in regard to her," he began impatiently.
"If I am celebrated here, I wish her to be celebrated there.
Savants, poets, philosophers, foreign mineralogists, statesmen,
after conversing in the morning with me, will visit her salon in
the evening. From next week onwards she must have an 'At
Home' every evening. With my salary doubled, we shall have
the means for entertaining, and as the entertainment must not
go beyond tea and hired footmen - that's settled. Both here
and there they will talk of me. I have long thirsted for an
opportunity for being talked about, but could not attain it,
fettered by my humble position and low grade in the service.
And now all this has been attained by a simple gulp on the part
of the crocodile. Every word of mine will be listened to, every
utterance will be thought over, repeated, printed. And I'll
teach them what I am worth! They shall understand at last
what abilities they have allowed to vanish in the entrails of a
monster. 'This man might have been Foreign Minister or might
have ruled a kingdom,' some will say. 'And that man did not
rule a kingdom,' others will say. In what way am I inferior to a
Garnier-Pagesishky or whatever they are called? My wife must
be a worthy second - I have brains, she has beauty and charm.
'She is beautiful, and that is why she is his wife,' some will say.
'She is beautiful because she is his wife,' others will amend. To
be ready for anything let Elena Ivanovna buy to-morrow the
Encyclopedia edited by Andrey Kraevsky, that she may be
able to converse on any topic. Above all, let her be sure to read
the political leader in the Petersburg News, comparing it every
day with the Voice. I imagine that the proprietor will consent
to take me sometimes with the crocodile to my wife's brilliant
salon. I will be in a tank in the middle of the magnificent
drawing-room, and I will scintillate with witticisms which I will
prepare in the morning. To the statesman I will impart my
projects; to the poet I will speak in rhyme; with the ladies I
can be amusing and charming without impropriety, since I
shall be no danger to their husbands' peace of mind. To all the
rest I shall serve as a pattern of resignation to fate and the will
of Providence. I shall make my wife a brilliant literary lady;
I shall bring her forward and explain her to the public; as my
wife she must be full of the most striking virtues; and if they
are right in calling Andrey Alexandrovitch our Russian Alfred
de Musset, they will be still more right in calling her our Russian
I must confess that, although this wild nonsense was rather
in Ivan Matveitch's habitual style, it did occur to me that he
was in a fever and delirious. It was the same, everyday Ivan
Matveitch, but magnified twenty times.
"My friend," I asked him, "are you hoping for a long life?
Tell me, in fact, are you well? How do you eat, how do you
sleep, how do you breathe? I am your friend, and you must
admit that the incident is most unnatural, and consequently my
curiosity is most natural."
"Idle curiosity and nothing else," he pronounced senten-
tiously, "but you shall be satisfied. You ask how I am manag-
ing in the entrails of the monster? To begin with, the crocodile,
to my amusement, turns out to be perfectly empty. His inside
consists of a sort of huge empty sack made of gutta-percha,
like the elastic goods sold in the Gorohovy Street, in the Mor-
skaya, and, if I am not mistaken, in the Voznesensky Prospect.
Otherwise, if you think of it, how could I find room?"
"Is it possible?" I cried, in a surprise that may well be
understood. "Can the crocodile be perfectly empty?"
"Perfectly," Ivan Matveitch maintained sternly and im-
pressively. "And in all probability, it is so constructed by the
laws of Nature. The crocodile possesses nothing but jaws
furnished with sharp teeth, and besides the jaws, a tail of con-
siderable length - that is all, properly speaking. The middle
part between these two extremities is an empty space enclosed
by something of the nature of gutta-percha, probably really
"But the ribs, the stomach, the intestines, the liver, the
heart?" I interrupted quite angrily.
"There is nothing, absolutely nothing of all that, and prob-
ably there never has been. All that is the idle fancy of frivolous
travellers. As one inflates an air-cushion, I am now with my
person inflating the crocodile. He is incredibly elastic. Indeed,
you might, as the friend of the family, get in with me if you
were generous and self-sacrificing enough - and even with you
here there would be room to spare. I even think that in the
last resort I might send for Elena Ivanovna. However, this
void, hollow formation of the crocodile is quite in keeping with
the teachings of natural science. If, for instance, one had to
construct a new crocodile, the question would naturally present
itself. What is the fundamental characteristic of the crocodile?
The answer is clear: to swallow human beings. How is one, in
constructing the crocodile, to secure that he should swallow
people? The answer is clearer still: construct him hollow. It
was settled by physics long ago that Nature abhors a vacuum.
Hence the inside of the crocodile must be hollow so that it may
abhor the vacuum, and consequently swallow and so fill itself
with anything it can come across. And that is the sole rational
cause why every crocodile swallows men. It is not the same in
the constitution of man: the emptier a man's head is, for
instance, the less he feels the thirst to fill it, and that is the one
exception to the general rule. It is all as clear as day to me
now. I have deduced it by my own observation and experience,
being, so to say, in the very bowels of Nature, in its retort,
listening to the throbbing of its pulse. Even etymology sup-
ports me, for the very word crocodile means voracity. Crocodile
-crocodillo- is evidently an Italian word, dating perhaps from
the Egyptian Pharaohs, and evidently derived from the French
verb croquer, which means to eat, to devour, in general to
absorb nourishment. All these remarks I intend to deliver as
my first lecture in Elena Ivanovna's salon when they take me
there in the tank."
"My friend, oughtn't you at least to take some purgative?"
I cried involuntarily.
"He is in a fever, a fever, he is feverish!" I repeated to myself
"Nonsense!" he answered contemptuously. "Besides, in my
present position it would be most inconvenient. I knew,
though, you would be sure to talk of taking medicine."
"But, my friend, how . . . how do you take food now?
Have you dined to-day?"
"No, but I am not hungry, and most likely I shall never take
food again. And that, too, is quite natural; filling the whole
interior of the crocodile I make him feel always full. Now he
need not be fed for some years. On the other hand, nourished
by me, he will naturally impart to me all the vital juices of his
body; it is the same as with some accomplished coquettes who
embed themselves and their whole persons for the night in raw
steak, and then, after their morning bath, are fresh, supple,
buxom and fascinating. In that way nourishing the crocodile,
I myself obtain nourishment from him, consequently we
mutually nourish one another. But as it is difficult even for a
crocodile to digest a man like me, he must, no doubt, be
conscious of a certain weight in his stomach - an organ which
he does not, however, possess - and that is why, to avoid
causing the creature suffering, I do not often turn over, and
although I could turn over I do not do so from humanitarian
motives. This is the one drawback of my present position, and
in an allegorical sense Timofey Semyonitch was right in saying
I was lying like a log. But I will prove that even lying like a
log - nay, that only lying like a log - one can revolutionise the
lot of mankind. All the great ideas and movements of our
newspapers and magazines have evidently been the work of
men who were lying like logs; that is why they call them
divorced from the realities of life - but what does it matter,
their saying that! I am constructing now a complete system
of my own, and you wouldn't believe how easy it is! You have
only to creep into a secluded corner or into a crocodile, to shut
your eyes, and you immediately devise a perfect millennium
for mankind. When you went away this afternoon I set to
work at once and have already invented three systems, now I
am preparing the fourth. It is true that at first one must refute
everything that has gone before, but from the crocodile it is so
easy to refute it; besides, it all becomes clearer, seen from the
inside of the crocodile.... There are some drawbacks, though
small ones, in my position, however; it is somewhat damp here
and covered with a sort of slime; moreover, there is rather a
smell of india-rubber exactly like the smell of my old goloshes.
That is all, there are no other drawbacks."
"Ivan Matveitch," I interrupted, "all this is a miracle in
which I can scarcely believe. And can you, can you intend
never to dine again?"
"What trivial nonsense you are troubling about, you thought-
less, frivolous creature! I talk to you about great ideas, and
you . . . Understand that I am sufficiently nourished by the
great ideas which light up the darkness in which I am enveloped.
The good-natured proprietor has, however, after consulting
the kindly Mutter, decided with her that they will every morning
insert into the monster's jaws a bent metal tube, something like
a whistle pipe, by means of which I can absorb coffee or broth
with bread soaked in it. The pipe has already been bespoken
in the neighbourhood, but I think this is superfluous luxury. I
hope to live at least a thousand years, if it is true that crocodiles
live so long, which, by the way - good thing I thought of it -
you had better look up in some natural history to-morrow and
tell me, for I may have been mistaken and have mixed it up
with some excavated monster. There is only one reflection
rather troubles me: as I am dressed in cloth and have boots on,
the crocodile can obviously not digest me. Besides, I am alive,
and so am opposing the process of digestion with my whole will
power; for you can understand that I do not wish to be turned
into what all nourishment turns into, for that would be too
humiliating for me. But there is one thing I am afraid of: in a
thousand years the cloth of my coat, unfortunately of Russian
make, may decay, and then, left without clothing, I might
perhaps, in spite of my indignation, begin to be digested; and
though by day nothing would induce me to allow it, at night,
in my sleep, when a man's will deserts him, I may be overtaken
by the humiliating destiny of a potato, a pancake, or veal.
Such an idea reduces me to fury. This alone is an argument for
the revision of the tariff and the encouragement of the importa-
tion of English cloth, which is stronger and so will withstand
Nature longer when one is swallowed by a crocodile. At the
first opportunity I will impart this idea to some statesman and
at the same time to the political writers on our Petersburg dailies.
Let them publish it abroad. I trust this will not be the only idea
they will borrow from me. I foresee that every morning a
regular crowd of them, provided with quarter-roubles from the
editorial office, will be flocking round me to seize my ideas on
the telegrams of the previous day. In brief, the future presents
itself to me in the rosiest light."
"Fever, fever!" I whispered to myself.
"My friend, and freedom?" I asked, wishing to learn his
views thoroughly. "You are, so to speak, in prison, while
every man has a right to the enjoyment of freedom."
"You are a fool," he answered. "Savages love independence,
wise men love order; and if there is no order .
"Ivan Matveitch, spare me, please!"
"Hold your tongue and listen!" he squealed, vexed at my
interrupting him. "Never has my spirit soared as now. In
my narrow refuge there is only one thing that I dread-the
literary criticisms of the monthlies and the lliss of our satirical
papers. I am afraid that thoughtless visitors, stupid and
envious people and nihilists in general, may turn me into
ridicule. But I will take measures. I am impatiently awaiting
the response of the public to-morrow, and especially the
opinion of the newspapers. You must tell me about the papers
"Very good; to-morrow I will bring a perfect pile of papers
"To-morrow it is too soon to expect reports in the news-
papers, for it will take four days for it to be advertised. But
from to-day come to me every evening by the back way through
the yard. I am intending to employ you as my secretary. You
shall read the newspapers and magazines to me, and I will
dictate to you my ideas and give you commissions. Be par-
ticularly careful not to forget the foreign telegrams. Let all the
European telegrams be here every day. But enough; most
likely you are sleepy by now. Go home, and do not think of
what I said just now about criticisms: I am not afraid of it,
for the critics themselves are in a critical position. One has
only to be wise and virtuous and one will certainly get on to a
pedestal. If not Socrates, then Diogenes, or perhaps both of
them together-that is my future role among mankind."
So frivolously and boastfully did Ivan Matveitch hasten to
express himself before me, like feverish weak-willed women
who, as we are told by the proverb, cannot keep a secret. All
that he told me about the crocodile struck me as most sus-
picious. How was it possible that the crocodile was absolutely
hollow? I don't mind betting that he was bragging from vanity
and partly to humiliate me. It is true that he was an invalid
and one must make allowances for invalids; but I must frankly
confess, I never could endure Ivan Matveitch. I have been
trying all my life, from a child up, to escape from his tutelage
and have not been able to! A thousand times over I have been
tempted to break with him altogether, and every time I have
been drawn to him again, as though I were still hoping to prove
something to him or to revenge myself on him. A strange
thing, this friendship! I can positively assert that nine-tenths
of my friendship for him was made up of malice. On this
occasion, however, we parted with genuine feeling.
"Your friend a very clever man!" the German said to me in
an undertone as he moved to see me out; he had been listening
all the time attentively to our conversation.
"Apropos," I said, "while I think of it: how much would
you ask for your crocodile in case anyone wanted to buy it?"
Ivan Matveitch, who heard the question, was waiting with
curiosity for the answer; it was evident that he did not want
the German to ask too little; anyway, he cleared his throat in
a peculiar way on hearing my question.
At first the German would not listen - was positively angry.
"No one will dare my own crocodile to buy!" he cried
furiously, and turned as red as a boiled lobster. "Me not want
to sell the crocodile! I would not for the crocodile a million
thalers take. I took a hundred and thirty thalers from the
public to-day, and I shall to-morrow ten thousand take, and
then a hundred thousand every day I shall take. I will not him
Ivan Matveitch positively chuckled with satisfaction. Con-
trolling myself - for I felt it was a duty to my friend - I hinted
coolly and reasonably to the crazy German that his calculations
were not quite correct, that if he makes a hundred thousand
every day, all Petersburg will have visited him in four days, and
then there will be no one left to bring him roubles, that life
and death are in God's hands, that the crocodile may burst or
Ivan Matveitch may fall ill and die, and so on and so on.
The German grew pensive.
"I will him drops from the chemist's get," he said, after
pondering, "and will save your friend that he die not."
"Drops are all very well," I answered, "but consider, too,
that the thing may get into the law courts. Ivan Matveitch's
wife may demand the restitution of her lawful spouse. You are
intending to get rich, but do you intend to give Elena Ivanovna
"No, me not intend," said the German in stern decision.
"No, we not intend," said the Mutter, with positive malig-
"And so would it not be better for you to accept something
now, at once, a secure and solid though moderate sum, than to
leave things to chance? I ought to tell you that I am inquiring
simply from curiosity."
The German drew the Mutter aside to consult with her in a
corner where there stood a case with the largest and ugliest
monkey of his collection.
"Well, you will see!" said Ivan Matveitch.
As for me, I was at that moment burning with the desire,
first, to give the German a thrashing, next, to give the Mutter
an even sounder one, and, thirdly, to give Ivan Matveitch the
soundest thrashing of all for his boundless vanity. But all this
paled beside the answer of the rapacious German.
After consultation with the Mutter he demanded for his
crocodile fifty thousand roubles in bonds of the last Russian
loan with lottery voucher attached, a brick house in Gorohovy
Street with a chemist's shop attached, and in addition the rank
of Russian colonel.
"You see!" Ivan Matveitch cried triumphantly. "I told you
so! Apart from this last senseless desire for the rank of a
colonel, he is perfectly right, for he fully understands the present
value of the monster he is exhibiting. The economic principle
"Upon my word!" I cried furiously to the German. "But
what should you be made a colonel for? What exploit have
you performed? What service have you done? In what way
have you gained military glory? You are really crazy!"
"Crazy!" cried the German, ofrended. "No, a person very
sensible, but you very stupid! I have a colonel deserved for
that I have a crocodile shown and in him a live Hofrath sitting!
And a Russian can a crocodile not show and a live Hofrath in
him sitting! Me extremely clever man and much wish colonel
"Well, good-bye, then, Ivan Matveitch!" I cried, shaking
with fury, and I went out of the crocodile room almost at a
I felt that in another minute I could not have answered for
myself. The unnatural expectations of these two blockheads
were insupportable. The cold air refreshed me and somewhat
moderated my indignation. At last, after spitting vigorously
fifteen times on each side, I took a cab, got home, undressed
and flung myself into bed. What vexed me more than any-
thing was my having become his secretary. Now I was to die
of boredom there every evening, doing the duty of a true friend!
I was ready to beat myself for it, and I did, in fact, after putting
out the candle and pulling up the bedclothes, punch myself
several times on the head and various parts of my body. That
somewhat relieved me, and at last I fell asleep fairly soundly,
in fact, for I was very tired. All night long I could dream of
nothing but monkeys, but towards morning I dreamt of Elena
THE monkeys I dreamed about, I suppose, because they were
shut up in the case at the German's; but Elena Ivanovna was
a different story.
I may as well say at once, I loved the lady, but I make haste
- post-haste - to make a qualification. I loved her as a father,
neither more nor less. I judge that because I often felt an
irresistible desire to kiss her little head or her rosy cheek. And
though I never carried out this inclination, I would not have
refused even to kiss her lips. And not merely her lips, but her
teeth, which always gleamed so charmingly like two rows of
pretty, well-matched pearls when she laughed. She laughed
extraordinarily often. Ivan Matveitch in demonstrative
moments used to call her his "darling absurdity" - a name
extremely happy and appropriate. She was a perfect sugar-
plum, and that was all one could say of her. Therefore I am
utterly at a loss to understand what possessed Ivan Matveitch
to imagine his wife as a Russian Yevgenia Tour? Anyway,
my dream, with the exception of the monkeys, left a most
pleasant impression upon me, and going over all the incidents
of the previous day as I drank my morning cup of tea, I
resolved to go and see Elena Ivanovna at once on my way to
the office - which, indeed, I was bound to do as the friend of
In a tiny little room out of the bedroom - the so-called little
drawing-room, though their big drawing-room was little too -
Elena Ivanovna was sitting, in some half-transparent morning
wrapper, on a smart little sofa before a little tea-table, drinking
coffee out of a little cup in which she was dipping a minute
biscuit. She was ravishingly pretty, but struck me as being at
the same time rather pensive.
"Ah, that's you, naughty man!" she said, greeting me with
an absent-minded smile. "Sit down, feather-head, have some
coffee. Well, what were you doing yesterday? Were you at
"Why, were you? I don't go, you know. Besides, yesterday
I was visiting our captive ...... I sighed and assumed a pious
expression as I took the coffee.
"Whom? . . . What captive? . . . Oh, yes! Poor fellow!
Well, how is he - bored? Do you know . . . I wanted to ask
you ... I suppose I can ask for a divorce now?"
"A divorce!" I cried in indignation and almost spilled the
coffee. "It's that swarthy fellow," I thought to myself bitterly.
There was a certain swarthy gentleman with little moustaches
who was something in the architectural fine, and who came far
too often to see them, and was extremely skilful in amusing
Elena Ivanovna. I must confess I hated him and there was no
doubt that he had succeeded in seeing Elena Ivanovna yester-
day either at the masquerade or even here, and putting all sorts
of nonsense into her head.
"Why," Elena Ivanovna rattled off hurriedly, as though it
were a lesson she had learnt, "if he is going to stay on in the
crocodile, perhaps not come back all his life, while I sit waiting
for him here! A husband ought to live at home, and not in a
crocodile. . . ."
"But this was an unforeseen occurrence," I was beginning,
in very comprehensible agitation.
"Oh, no, don't talk to me, I won't listen, I won't listen," she
cried, suddenly getting quite cross. "You are always against
me, you wretch! There's no doing anything with you, you will
never give me any advice! Other people tell me that I can get
a divorce because Ivan Matveitch will not get his salary now."
"Elena Ivanovna! is it you I hear!" I exclaimed pathetically.
"What villain could have put such an idea into your head? And
divorce on such a trivial ground as a salary is quite impossible.
And poor Ivan Matveitch, poor Ivan Matveitch is, so to speak,
burning with love for you even in the bowels of the monster.
What's more, he is melting away with love like a lump of
sugar. Yesterday while you were enjoying yourself at the
masquerade, he was saying that he might in the last resort
send for you as his lawful spouse to join him in the entrails of
the monster, especially as it appears the crocodile is exceed-
ingly roomy, not only able to accommodate two but even three
persons. . . ."
And then I told her all that interesting part of my conversa-
tion the night before with Ivan Matveitch.
"What, what!" she cried, in surprise. "You want me to get
into the monster too, to be with Ivan Matveitch? What an
idea! And how am I to get in there, in my hat and crinoline?
Heavens, what foolishness! And what should I look like while
I was getting into it, and very likely there would be someone
there to see me! It's absurd! And what should I have to eat
there? And . . . and . . . and what should I do there when
... Oh, my goodness, what will they think of next? ... And
what should I have to amuse me there? ... You say there's a
smell of gutta-percha? And what should I do if we quarrelled
- should we have to go on staying there side by side? Foo,
"I agree, I agree with all those arguments, my sweet Elena
Ivanovna," I interrupted, striving to express myself with that
natural enthusiasm which always overtakes a man when he
feels the truth is on his side. "But one thing you have not
appreciated in all tliis, you have not realised that he cannot
live without you if he is inviting you there; that is a proof of
love, passionate, faithful, ardent love. . . . You have thought
too little of his love, dear Elena Ivanovna!"
"I won't, I won't, I won't hear anything about it!" waving
me off with her pretty little hand with glistening pink nails that
had just been washed and polished. "Horrid man! You will
reduce me to tears! Get into it yourself, if you like the prospect.
You are his friend, get in and keep him company, and spend
your life discussing some tedious science. . . ."
"You are wrong to laugh at this suggestion" - I checked the
frivolous woman with dignity - "lvan Matveitch has invited me
as it is. You, of course, are summoned there by duty; for me,
it would be an act of generosity. But when Ivan Matveitch
described to me last night the elasticity of the crocodile, he
hinted very plainly that there would be room not only for you
two, but for me also as a friend of the family, especially if I
wished to join you, and therefore . . ."
"How so, the three of us?" cried Elena Ivanovna, looking at
me in surprise. "Why, how should we ... are we going to be
all three there together? Ha-ha-ha! How silly you both are!
Ha-ha-ha l I shall certainly pinch you all the time, you wretch!
And falling back on the sofa, she laughed till she cried. All
this - the tears and the laughter-were so fascinating that I
could not resist rushing eagerly to kiss her hand, which she did
not oppose, though she did pinch my cars lightly as a sign of
Then we both grew very cheerful, and I described to her in
detail all Ivan Matveitch's plans. The thought of her evening
receptions and her salon pleased her very much.
"Only I should need a great many new dresses," she observed,
"and so Ivan Matveitch must send me as much of his salary as
possible and as soon as possible. Only ... only I don't know
about that," she added thoughtfully. "How can he be brought
here in the tank? That's very absurd. I don't want my husband
to be carried about in a tank. I should feel quite ashamed for
my visitors to see it.... I don't want that, no, I don't."
"By the way, while I think of it, was Timofey Semyonitch
"Oh, yes, he was; he came to comfort me, and do you know,
we played cards all the time. He played for sweetmeats, and if
I lost he was to kiss my hands. What a wretch he is! And only
fancy, he almost came to the masquerade with me, really!"
"He was carried away by his feelings!" I observed. "And
who would not be with you, you charmer?"
"Oh, get along with your comphments! Stay, I'll give you a
pinch as a parting present. I've learnt to pinch awfully well
lately. Well, what do you say to that? By the way, you say
Ivan Matveitch spoke several times of me yesterday?"
"N-no, not exactly.... I must say he is thinking more now
of the fate of humanity, and wants . . ."
"Oh, let him! You needn't go on! I am sure it's fearfully
boring. I'll go and see him some time. I shall certainly go to-
morrow. Only not to-day; I've got a headache, and besides,
there will be such a lot of people there to-day.... They'll say,
'That's his wife,' and I shall feel ashamed.... Good-bye. You
will be ... there this evening, won't you?"
"To see him, yes. He asked me to go and take him the
"That's capital. Go and read to him. But don't come and
see me to-day. I am not well, and perhaps I may go and see
someone. Good-bye, you naughty man."
"It's that swarthy fellow is going to see her this evening," I
At the office, of course, I gave no sign of being consumed by
these cares and anxieties. But soon I noticed some of the most
progressive papers seemed to be passing particularly rapidly
from hand to hand among my colleagues, and were being read
with an extremely serious expression of face. The first one that
reached me was the News-sheet, a paper of no particular party
but humanitarian in general, for which it was regarded with
contempt among us, though it was read. Not without surprise
I read in it the following paragraph:
"Yesterday strange rumours were circulating among the
spacious ways and sumptuous buildings of our vast metropolis.
A certain well-known bon-vivant of the highest society, prob-
ably weary of the cuisine at Borel's and at the X. Club, went
into the Arcade, into the place where an immense crocodile
recently brought to the metropolis is being exhibited, and
insisted on its being prepared for his dinner. After bargaining
with the proprietor he at once set to work to devour him (that
is, not the proprietor, a very meek and punctilious German,
but his crocodile), cutting juicy morsels with his penknife from
the living animal, and swallowing them with extraordinary
rapidity. By degrees the whole crocodile disappeared into the
vast recesses of his stomach, so that he was even on the point
of attacking an ichneumon, a constant companion of the
crocodile, probably imagining that the latter would be as
savoury. We are by no means opposed to that new article of
diet with which foreign gourmands have long been familiar.
We have, indeed, predicted that it would come. English lords
and travellers make up regular parties for catching crocodiles
in Egypt, and consume the back of the monster cooked like
beef-steak, with mustard, onions and potatoes. The French
followed in the train of Lesseps prefer the paws baked in
hot ashes, which they do, however, in opposition to the
English, who laugh at them. Probably both ways would be
appreciated among us. For our part, we are delighted at a new
branch of industry, of which our great and varied fatherland
stands pre-eminently in need. Probably before a year is out
crocodiles will be brought in hundreds to replace this first one,
lost in the stomach of a Petersburg gourmand. And why should
not the crocodile be acclimatised among us in Russia? If the
water of the Neva is too cold for these interesting strangers,
there are ponds in the capital and rivers and lakes outside it.
Why not breed crocodiles at Pargolovo, for instance, or at
Pavlovsk, in the Presnensky Ponds and in Samoteka in
Moscow? While providing agreeable, wholesome nourish-
ment for our fastidious gourmands, they might at the same
time entertain the ladies who walk about these ponds and
instruct the children in natural history. The crocodile skin
might be used for making jewel-cases, boxes, cigar-cases,
pocket-books, and possibly more than one thousand saved up
in the greasy notes that are peculiarly beloved of merchants
might be laid by in crocodile skin. We hope to return more
than once to this interesting topic."
Though I had foreseen something of the sort, yet the reckless
inaccuracy of the paragraph overwhelmed me. Finding no one
with whom to share my impression, I turned to Prohor Savvitch
who was sitting opposite to me, and noticed that the latter had
been watching me for some time, while in his hand he held the
Voice as though he were on the point of passing it to me. With-
out a word he took the News-sheet from me, and as he handed
me the Voice he drew a line with his nail against an article to
which he probably wished to call my attention. This Prohor
Savvitch was a very queer man: a taciturn old bachelor, he
was not on intimate terms with any of us, scarcely spoke to
anyone in the office, always had an opinion of his own about
everything, but could not bear to impart it to anyone. He
lived alone. Hardly anyone among us had ever been in his
This was what I read in the Voice.
"Everyone knows that we are progressive and humanitarian
and want to be on a level with Europe in this respect. But in
spite of all our exertions and the efforts of our paper we are
still far from maturity, as may be judged from the shocking
incident which took place yesterday in the Arcade and which
we predicted long ago. A foreigner arrives in the capital bring-
ing with him a crocodile which he begins exhibiting in the
Arcade. We immediately hasten to welcome a new branch of
useful industry such as our powerful and varied fatherland
stands in great need of. Suddenly yesterday at four o'clock in
the afternoon a gentleman of exceptional stoutness enters the
foreigner's shop in an intoxicated condition, pays his entrance
money, and immediately without any warning leaps into the
jaws of the crocodile, who was forced, of course, to swallow
him, if only from an instinct of self-preservation, to avoid
being crushed. Tumbling into the inside of the crocodile, the
stranger at once dropped asleep. Neither the shouts of the
foreign proprietor, nor the lamentations of his terrified family,
nor threats to send for the police made the slightest impression.
Within the crocodile was heard nothing but laughter and a
promise to flay him (sic), though the poor mammal, compelled
to swallow such a mass, was vainly shedding tears. An un-
invited guest is worse than a Tartar. But in spite of the proverb
the insolent visitor would not leave. We do not know how to
explain such barbarous incidents which prove our lack of
culture and disgrace us in the eyes of foreigners. The reckless-
ness of the Russian temperament has found a fresh outlet. It
may be asked what was the object of the uninvited visitor? A
warm and comfortable abode? But there are many excellent
houses in the capital with very cheap aind comfortable lodgings,
with the Neva water laid on, and a staircase lighted by gas,
frequently with a hall-porter maintained by the proprietor. We
would call our readers' attention to the barbarous treatment of
domestic animals: it is difficult, of course, for the crocodile to
digest such a mass all at once, and now he lies swollen out to
the size of a mountain, awaiting death in insufferable agonies.
In Europe persons guilty of inhumanity towards domestic
animals have long been punished by law. But in spite of our
European enlightenment, in spite of our European pavements,
in spite of the European architecture of our houses, we are still
far from shaking off our time-honoured traditions.
"Though the houses are new, the conventions are old."
And, indeed, the houses are not new, at least the staircases
in them are not. We have more than once in our paper alluded
to the fact that in the Petersburg Side in the house of the
merchant Lukyanov the steps of the wooden staircase have
decayed, fallen away, and have long been a danger for Afimya
Skapidarov, a soldier's wife who works in the house, and is
often obliged to go up the stairs with water or armfuls of wood.
At last our predictions have come true: yesterday evening at
half-past eight Afimya Skapidarov fell down with a basin of
soup and broke her leg. We do not know whether Lukyanov
will mend his staircase now, Russians are often wise after the
event, but the victim of Russian carelessness has by now been
taken to the hospital. In the same way we shall never cease to
maintain that the house-porters who clear away the mud from
the wooden pavement in the Viborgsky Side ought not to
spatter the legs of passers-by, but should throw the mud up
into heaps as is done in Europe," and so on, and so on.
"What's this?" I asked in some perplexity, looking at Prohor
Savvitch. "What's the meaning of it?"
"How do you mean?"
"Why, upon my word! Instead of pitying Ivan Matveitch,
they pity the crocodile!"
"What of it? They have pity even for a beast, a mammal.
We must be up to Europe, mustn't we? They have a very
warm feeling for crocodiles there too. He-he-he!"
Saying this, queer old Prohor Savvitch dived into his papers
and would not utter another word.
I stuffed the Voice and the News-sheet into my pocket and
collected as many old copies of the newspapers as I could find
for Ivan Matveitch's diversion in the evening, and though the
evening was far off, yet on this occasion I slipped away from
the office early to go to the Arcade and look, if only from a
distance, at what was going on there, and to listen to the
various remarks and currents of opinion. I foresaw that there
would be a regular crush there, and turned up the collar of my
coat to meet it. I somehow felt rather shy - so unaccustomed
are we to publicity. But I feel that I have no right to report my
own prosaic feelings when faced with this remarkable and